Jonghyun’s Final Letter:
I was broken from the inside
The sadness that was slowly eating me, finally devoured me
I couldn’t overcome it
I hated myself. There was no answer no matter how much I cried or screamed.
I’d rather stop breathing instead of breathe stuffy breaths when I wake up.
I asked (myself) who could be responsible for me.
You were the one.
I was completely alone.
It was easy to say end it.
It was hard to end it.
I’ve been living with that problem.
I wanted to run away.
Right. I wanted to run away.
I asked who was there. It was me. Again, me. And again, it was me.
Why do I keep losing my memories. It’s because of my character. I see how it is. In the end, it’s all my fault.
I wanted to know but nobody knew. I
I asked why I’m living. Just because. Just because. Everyone just lives.
I’ll be dead when I ask you to die.
I was suffering and worried. I didn’t learn how to turn boredom and pains into joy.
Pains are pains.
Don’t do that, I pressed.
Why? Why can’t I do what I want to until the end?
I tried to find out why I was in pain.
I know very well why. I was in pain because of myself. Everything was my fault, I was worthless.
Teachers, are you listening to these words?
No. I did nothing wrong.
I thought it was easy for the doctor to blame my character or my voice.
It’s amazing to see why it hurts so much.
People who had it worse than me lived well.
People who were weaker than me lived well.
I guess it’s not that.
There is no one who had it harder than me, no one weaker than me. But I still lived.
I didn’t ask why it’s like this hundreds of times for myself. It was for you.
I wanted it to be for me.
Please don’t say anything you don’t know.
Why was I looking for hardship. How many times did you tell me. Why am I having hard times. Will it be as hard as this?
Does the drama need to be more specific? Does there need to be more stories?
I already told you the story. You weren’t pretending to listen were you? It’s not a scar leftover, that I could overcome.
I guess it was opposition with the world.
I guess it wasn’t my life that became known with the world.
So everything was hard. Opposition, becoming known, was difficult.
Why did I choose it. It was funny.
Up until now I have endured well.
What other words are there. Just say ‘you’ve done well’
Just that much is good. Tell me I’ve done well.
You’ve worked hard.
You’ve really gone through a lot.
If you or someone you know needs help or needs to talk to someone please reach out. Contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 and lifeline.org.au or Beyond Blue at beyondblue.org.au
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